Mystic Mog’s UK predictions (parts 13 to 17)

Psychically challenged cat prepares to premonisce

Mog has spent the afternoon howling at the moon, (which by the way was hidden behind clouds on the other side of the planet). After all that howling she did something unspeakable in her litter tray and, while doing so, in a trance, stared into her crystal ball long enough to come up with these nuggets of prophetic wisdom.

13. Service cuts will be dumped upon the public by 2022, public told to ‘Work for Britain’

In 2022, as Brexit kills business across the country, there will be less money and a summary effect of less tax revenue, which in turn will mean less public services. Mog predicts that we the public will be asked to pick up the slack, calling once again upon a blitz spirit, all in it together, we survived the wars, etc. As local services are cut, Mog predicts, the ugly cop-out spirit of Brexit will reveal itself as a demand that we sweep our own streets out of love for our country, because who needs tax revenue from all that selling to our former trade partners across the channel, eh?

14. A Royal Death in late 2021 will be exploited to keep political shitstorms out of the headlines

The term “bury bad news” will be taken to extreme levels when (at least) one member of the Royal Family dies late in 2021 from over-luxuriating. The sad event will occupy the news agenda for a full month at least, with various pre-prepared documentaries played on endless loops, taking over non-news channels as well as news channels. Newspapers, from tabloid to broadsheet, will indulge in lengthy tributes for days on end. The media will have us thinking literally nothing else is happening in the world, for quite some time. Mog predicts that various political bombshells will be carefully unleashed during that week, safe in the knowledge they’ll sit on page 7 or 8 of the papers and nobody will talk about them. Mog compares this to being in an elevator and holding in a fart until you get to the 7th floor and most people have got out.

15. Britain’s meat mountain in 2023

Mog is convinced that farming in the UK will become unsustainable before 2023, but it will be the year of 2023, Mog predicts, that the ‘meat mountain’ will be a thing; the burning of perfectly healthy but unsalable livestock, entirely down to Brexit. Shamed farmers will watch their own livelihoods literally go up in smoke, but most will be sucessfully convinced to blame the EU for it instead of their own stupid fucking selves for supporting Brexit. Mog is licking her lips just thinking of all that meat.

16. The Pandemic Mishandling Inquiry in 2025

A massive inquiry in to the UK’s handling of the pandemic will be safely delayed until after the general election, but the damage will be considerable. Among the issues blown wide open will be the private handing of PPE contracts to mates (the chumocracy), the PPE shortage in part due to the refusal to accept EU help early on, and the utter arrogance of refusing to learn from other countries who did better than the UK. Also high on the list is the abandonment of mentally ill and disabled people across the country, and the blind assumption that middle aged working people were totally fine with everything.

17. Worcester sauce finally confirmed as being shit, in 2029

Mog’s crystal ball has shown her that in 2029, after generations of families purchasing one bottle of Worcester Sauce and never using it more than once, the public finally come to a consensus in 2029 that this stuff is awful, and is not of any use for anything ever cooked or eaten. The disappointment of Worcester Sauce is comparable to, (just a random example), the feeling of wanting a life-changing constitutional upheaval but then finding out you’re only upheaving your stomach when you get it. Most will explain their one-off purchase of Worcester Sauce as a mistaken belief that it might be as good as Soy Sauce, but in the end Worcester Sauce will be consigned to history as one of Britain’s worst mistakes.

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