Mystic Mog’s UK predictions (parts 1-8)

Mystic Mog prepares to predict purrfectly
Mystic Mog prepares to predict purrfectly

Mog, a psychically challenged internet cat, has been analysing the remnants in her food bowl today, the way human lunatics analyse tea leaves in cups. She tells me these predictions of hers have a 65.5% efficacy, which can usually be improved if she recieves two jabs of steroids from a vet. I can’t affort the vet so I asked her to try a crystal ball instead. She agreed on condition that she would play with it afterwards; a hard bargain to which I reluctantly agreed.

1. UK will have not-very-exciting elections in 2021

Mog predicts that Welsh parliamentary elections will go ahead in May 2021, despite a government warning on 11th January they would almost certainly be delayed. English council elections will also go ahead in May 2021, and all of these will be totally safe because voters will be asked to bring their own pens (or in some cases, crayons).

There will be no encouragement to use postal votes, because in the US this was proven to favour intelligent people. Also, the polling stations will be made safe but not too safe, because a certain degree of voter fear is advantageous when people are upset with the ruling government.

Mog also predicts that dogs will appear outside polling stations in 2021, and they will be dumb, slobbering Satanic hounds of doom, omens of the apocalypse and generally ugly bollock-beasts who piss on lamp posts and don’t deserve the love of their owners.

2. There will be a Scottish independence referrendum in 2022

Mog predicts the post-Brexit tension will reach its first Breaking Point (no pun intended) north of the border, as the Scots declare Brexit completely unworkable for them by the end of 2022, painting it as a shameful forced English injustice upon them, which it is. Everything has changed since their last independence referrendum and now it’s not just about independence from England, it’s about Scotland being free to rejoin the EU and progress their society and economy without hindrence.

Mystic Mog wishes them luck. She would not tell me the outcome of her predicted referrendum, only that timing was everything; too soon, and the case wouldn’t be strong enough, too late and the argument is weakened by not doing it sooner. Frankly I think Mog just likes the name Nichola Sturgeon, and wonders if she can fix the Scottish fixing industry if they gain independence.

3. Schools and education will be in crisis in the autumn of 2021

Mog predicts that every school will across the UK will be open in September 2021, but without first having any properly established criteria for safely doing so, nor anything ensuring those teachers, staff and parents are all vaccinated before entering the premises. This will result in new localised spikes in the Covid 19 virus which kick-start the build up of another winter peak.

Teenagers will be in turmoil as their exams and career prospects are plunged into uncertainty with no clear way out. There will be no clear plan or mitigation set up by the Department for Education. Ultimately this will devalue exams for the long term, and employers (if any are left), will more or less ignore exam results from the 2020-2022 era; this will not go down well.

Younger children, of primary age, will suffer developmental and social setbacks because of their long absences, and it will be down to parents to find their own ways to deal with it. There will be no guidance, no help, no support from government; however some of the lucky ones, whose postcode places them in the catchment of innovative and highly rated schools, might get a better experience than others.

4. We’re all going on a… spreading holiday, 2021

Mog predicts that Summer 2021 will be a super-spreader festival for the Covid 19 virus in the UK, and will undo every scrap of progress made up until then.

As the masses of unvaccinated (predominantly younger) humans cast caution aside, ‘cos they can’t wait just a couple more sodding months to get their jabs, the death rate climbs once again. Nobody will think to cancel their holiday plans if not vaccinated in time; the government won’t ask that of them, but they damn well should, and will be criticised for not doing so.

Even for ‘staycationers’ the message should be clear: No vaccine, no holiday. (No vacation without vaccination, perhaps?) The absence of this message will prove disastrous and cause major setbacks in the fight against the virus.

The message should be clear: No vaccine, no holiday. 

Mystic Mog says she’ll provide alternative types of jabs to careless spreaders, upon request.

There is already a media campaign to subtly encourage ‘staycations’ in the UK, since the pandemic (yeah, sure, the pandemic) is making EU travel very difficult, and we are being softened up for a ‘good old Blighty’ mindset where we are expected to sit in deck chairs with folded hankerchiefs on our heads, Mr Whippy in our hands, and unfunny postcards sent in the post. This, it is hoped, will placate the multitudes of sun-gammons, who will be deprived of their Sunbeds in Majorca.

5. UK business will be in meltdown by 2023

Mog predicts that by the end of 2023, Britain will very nearly go out of business, with all but the biggest and most resourceful service-led companies able to function internationally. The government have two scapegoats to choose from; the EU, or Covid. They will choose the EU because by this point the public will be sick of hearing about Covid.

The government will have spent most of 2021 and 2022 gaslighting the public to believe the EU are the cause of their onging business troubles, despite having left the EU after being convinced the EU is the cause of their business troubles, and businesses up and down the land realising they were undeniably better off inside the EU.

The gaslighting will fail. People will ask why things were better before Brexit. People will feel betrayed.

Mog predicts that this crippling of UK business will ultimately reach boiling point early in 2022 and a national strike will be proposed as a united show of Bregret across industries. The aim of the strike will be to demand we rejoin the European Single Market. We will not, Mog predicts, rejoin the single market, any time soon. (In 2030 we trust). The EU will demand concessions which make the UK government choke on their diseased rats.

6. Tory leadership will change before the next general election, 2024

Mog (with one ‘g’) says the Tory party will hold on to Boris Johnson as their PM for a while yet, as it’s proving highly convenient to let people blame the blundering buffoon for the balls-ups – with an 80 seat majority they can take it quite happily… For a while.

However in the end the Tories want to stay in power and they’ll see Johnson as a liability – so when push comes to shove, he’ll be pushed and shoved aside.

Johnson probably knows this already and doesn’t much care, because he’s living his dream. For now, Boris Johnson is prime minister and nothing, absolutely nothing, will make him resign. (Not even 100,000 deaths on his watch). Nope, they’ll have to do it the hard way, with a formal leadership challenge. This requires choosing the right moment, and the most capable and popular candidates. (Of which there are none).

They'll have to do it the hard way, with a formal leadership challenge. 

His party wll rid themselves of Johnson’s premiership well before the next election; Mog is certain of that much. There would have to be a miracle for him to stand for reelection. (Miracles, I’ve noticed, don’t happen).

Mog, unlike Hot Chocolate, doesn’t believe in miracles. She wouldn’t be drawn on who will succeed the haystack-headed fascist liar, but she made a wierd meowing noise that sounded very much like “Goooooveee…”. (No, she didn’t say Mogg).

7. There will be a huge chumocracy inquiry (aka PPE contract scandal enquiry), 2025

An inquiry on an unprecedented scale will take place, one which dwarves the expenses scandal, and it will be about private contracts handed out to donors of the Conservative party wihtout due process being followed; the exploitation of a health crisis to hand public money to private mates, the avoidance of checks and balances which led to things like the PPE scandals and the lack of ventilators in the early days. This ‘chumocracy inquiry’, Mog predicts, will be successfully delayed and dodged until after the next election. The main players in the scandal will be long-since retired or otherwise immune. But one senior figure will fall, and actually go to prison.

8. Flutes will make a comeback in 2023

Flutes will make a comeback in 2023, or at least I think that’s what Mog said. It was either that or flumes. I thought maybe flutes made more sense, so we’ll go with that. It is horrible to hear this prediction about flutes. What I always hated about flutes is this; the way the flautist (a gut-wrenching word) doesn’t actually touch the mouthpiece, and they make a frog-like expression as they blow like a wind-freak over the top of it. It’s grotesque, and stirs a primal unease. Flumes, on the other hand, are usually quite fun, and they haven’t really gone away like flutes did. Look, don’t ask me, cats come up with random shit sometimes, I can’t explain it.

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