Imagine being Boris Johnson

Boris Johnson, yesterday

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You spent your whole life waiting, planning, manipulating your way to the top job. Every waking moment was calculated to get you here. Everything you did, every lie you told, every job you passed up, was for this. Now, finally, you’re here, with an 80 seat majority and the Tory base right behind you. And you fucked it up spectacularly.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. Your real first name is Alexander but that’s not cuddly so you use Boris and keep your hair scruffy on purpose to make people like you.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You drive an anti immigration agenda, but you yourself are an immigrant (born in New York). Your father, also an immigrant, leaves the UK behind to live abroad.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You boast about shaking hands with Covid patients in hospitals, suggest the UK takes it on the chin and let’s the disease rip through the country, and then weeks later you have contracted Covid and are hospitalised.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You promise the NHS will be better off because of Brexit, £350m per week better off to be precise, but then a pandemic happens and they really need to be better off, but instead they are far, far worse off. You pray that everyone forgets the promise, but they won’t.

Hopelessly out of his depth, yesterday

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You get sacked from two jobs for lying, have multiple affairs and multiple illegitimate children. You have two failed marriages and can hardly string together a coherent sentence. And yet you are trusted to lead a country.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You sacrifice the economy for fish. But it soon emerges you completely shafted the fishermen and they hate you for ruining their lives.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You promised a Brexit with free, frictionless trade with the EU with no impact on haulage. All around you businesses are starting to fall apart because of congestion, paperwork and costs. Exports and Imports are descending into chaos.

What was promised
What was delivered

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You spend four years lecturing the country about taking back control of the UK’s borders. Then you get control by winning Brexit and then a pandemic happens and you leave the borders wide open. And the UK infection rate is the worst in the world.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You spend four years pretending to be Donald Trump’s BFF because you need him for Brexit. Then Trump loses his election, fails to overturn the result and incites a violent insurrection in Washington, and you have to pretend you don’t like him anymore.

Imagine being Boris Johnson. You won an election by avoiding difficult interviews, hiding in a fridge to avoid the cameras on live television, and turning your party into a single issue cult. You sack everyone who disagrees. Only to find another issue awaits you and you can barely string a sentence together about it, let alone resolve it.

Imagine all of this. Imagine being Boris Johnson, with all of this and more on your record.

Now, imagine being someone who voted for him.

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